Perfectionism and overachieving

I recently read Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic-and What We Can Do About It by Jennifer Breheny Wallace  https://a.co/d/0ez4hZej

In this book, Wallace delves into the consequences of our overachievement culture for individuals, children and parents. I think it’s a helpful read for anyone who identifies as a perfectionist or overachiever or worries about these traits in their child.  

A student interviewed for the book stated:

“Being told that I was especially good at something felt like I had to then work really hard to maintain if not exceed the levels at which I was already doing it…[or] I would be worth somewhat less.”

I have heard this from friends, from patients, have felt it myself. Sometimes parents give feedback “you’re so smart” or “you’re so good at dance/art/soccer/[insert your activity here]” and two things happen:

1)   The intrinsic motivation – the motivation that comes truly from within - can decrease with the external motivation (praise, rewards) increases, possibly making the activity less enjoyable and creating a sense of pressure to continue with the activity.

2)    The other thing that can happen, especially for those who have a tendency towards perfectionism, is now they think they have to continue to perform at the same level or even higher to not let the person down. This is especially true if the other person is a parent, teacher, coach or other trusted adult.

This can lead to an unhealthy relationship with achievement and performance in which the child or adult feels they always need to be doing more – whatever that more might look like at their stage in life. And so what can we do to counter it?

Wallace cites Harvard’s Richard Weissbourd: “The self becomes stronger and more mature less by being praised and more by being known”.

This is exactly what we strive for in therapy – for the self to be known, by the therapist, but also for the client to come to truly know herself better. So much noise develops when there is a lot of external pressure (in the form of criticism or praise) through childhood and adolescence. The individual stops being able to hear themselves and may feel very confused as to whether they even have any of their own interests or drives. They may become fearful of what happens if they stop pushing to succeed or excel in whatever they are already doing. Perhaps they worry about letting others down or being found out as a fraud or imposter.

Many women and adolescent or young adult girls express this type of fear during therapy. It keeps them stuck in old patterns – poor boundaries at work, overextending themselves, sacrificing sleep and using alcohol, social media, online games, you name it to numb and quiet and the noise.

Our job together is to quiet the noise so that you can start to hear yourself. If this is the kind of work you are interested in doing in therapy, please contact me about openings in my practice (must currently reside in NY state).